Brother Gives More Expensive Gift to Sister Who Had A 'Proper Wedding,' Other Sister Who Eloped Accuses Him of Favoritism, Sparking Heated Family Debate

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Aug 1, 2024 11:00 PM EDT

Wedding gift culture varies drastically across cultures. In some traditions, weddings are essentially paid for by the guests. Guests are expected to bring checks or cash gifts for the bride and groom to cover the cost of the event. In other regions, it is traditional for the family of the bride or groom to pay for the entire wedding, and guests are just expected to come and enjoy without bringing anything but their joyous spirits. In the US, wedding registries are popular, allowing generous guests to gift the couple exactly what they want and need to start their new life together. In most places, it is typically not expected of people to give weddings gifts if they do not actually attend the wedding, though.

 In our story, today, a man causes familial friction by gifting his eloped sister a lesser marital gift than the one he gave his sister who had a traditional wedding. Our protagonist begs the question, "Am I in the wrong?" Internet commenters were split and heated in their opinions. Many people experienced with eloping admitted that they didn't receive or expect gifts when they secretly tied the knot, siblings felt offended on behalf of the slighted sister, and pragmatic netizens argued about the wedding etiquette. Read every possible take below. 

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  • 01
    r/AmltheA u/AccordingLine9649 • 16h AITAH for not giving my sister who eloped as generous as a gift as my sister who had a traditional wedding?
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 02
    My parents had me when they were really young, are still together now and had two more kids, my sisters Katie and Jess later on. Im 15 and 17 years older than them respectively. Because of the age gap, we didn't really grow up together and sometimes I feel more like an uncle than a big brother to them. Ive been fortunate in my career to do relatively well and Ive typically been pretty generous with them when it comes to things like Birthday's, Christmas, and graduations.
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 03
    My sister Katie got married 2 summers ago and had your typical traditional wedding. Id guess around 125 people were there, it was very nice, and definitely not cheap. I dont know how much they spent but I know my parents and her husbands only were able to contribute for about half the cost. The rest was my sister and her husband paying for it. They were super cool and let me and my wife bring our 2 kids even though I later found out the venue charged the same for kids as adults for the food and
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 04
    My sister Jess has always been more "low key". When she got engaged she told us all she would likely elope and nobody tried to convince her otherwise because it made sense for them. They arent flashy and have always seemed pretty frugal, definitely not the type to throw a big wedding costing 10s of thousands. They announced a couple weeks ago that they eloped in the mountains with just them and the necessary witness. I was happy for them and didnt feel like I missed out on anything, Ive been to
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 05
    Since they didnt have a wedding, I didnt think to get them a wedding present because you know no wedding...but they did just go under contract on their first home together so my wife and I got them a $100 gift card to Home Depot. I remember when I first bought my first home there were a lot of home improvement stuff and I made about 100 trips there so thought it would be a nice gift.
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 06
    Apparently she asked Katie what they got for their wedding and she told them and now felt a certain way about our gift to them. She made a comment about feeling like their marriage wasnt respected enough because they didnt throw a big party and said it felt like I was showing favoritism. I told her I have Katie more because she hosted my whole family and I know how expensive that is having paid for my own wedding. Jess kinda rolled her eyes and walked away after that interaction and we havent ta
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 07
    I thought it would be understood that the situations were just different and its unreasonable to expect the same generosity when you don't give any generosity (aka hosting and feeding people) by not having a traditional wedding and not inviting us to celebrate with them. Maybe I am wrong though so wanted some neutral opinions. 6,364 2,416
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 08
    NotCreativeAtAll16 • 16h Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [315] NTA. You got a wedding gift for the older sis partly to cover the cost of four plates at their wedding. For my wedding last year, which wasn't flashy, dinner was more than $100 a plate. Your $500 gift wouldn't have covered the cost of your dinner, I think. At the end of the day, you likely helped fund their wedding and nothing more. The other sis didn't even have a wedding, so her gift is all gift. She's a major AH for comparing the two
    via u/NotCreativeAtAll16
  • 09
    According Line9649 OP 16h . Were in the midwest, so not crazy coastal prices. the venue charges about $100/person. My friend works in their business office. I think I ended up covering our plates plus a little bit. I know some of the weddings Ive been to in NYC can be over $200/person which is crazy 3k
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 10
    sugakat • 15h So the point of a gift now is to cover the cost of the wedding celebration and not to celebrate the marriage and start of a new life together? Smdh, but hey, if ya gotta be princess for a day, might as well buy it. ... 279
    via u/sugakat
  • 11
    esk_209 15h Partassipant [2] It shouldn't be. I absolutely hate this idea that guests are expected to "pay" for the privilege of coming to a wedding. The cost of the wedding is 100% the responsibility of the couple, not the guests. If you can't afford a lavish wedding, then don't have a lavish wedding.
    via u/esk_209
  • 12
    My gift to a family member is going to be the exact same, regardless of the size of the wedding they choose to host. Actually, it might be MORE if they elope because then I'm not spending money to travel, buy a new dress or other wedding-appropriate accessories, and take time off work. If they want to "spend" the value of the gift on the wedding and not on the marriage, then that's their choice. But I won't pay more for a gift just because the couple decided to go deeper into debt to have the da
    via u/esk_209
  • 13
    hahayouguessedit • 14h I think most of the comments are framing the gift to cover the cost of the wedding. As a sibling, I would give the same amount to each sister regardless of type of wedding. I don't think you have to cover the cost of your 'plate' At any wedding. ← 83
    via u/hahayouguessedit
  • 14
    fibrefeather • 16h INFO: how is your relationship between each sister otherwise? Is it close/distant? Are you closer to one than the other? This seems from an outside POV as a case of the wedding gifts reflect the status of your sibling bond. Is it based off objectively measurable fact? No. However it's worth considering, bc it can give you a way to open a convo w your sister. Reply 16 ♡
    via u/fibrefeather
  • 15
    DeepMango459 • 14h Exactly! I think the telling question OP should ask himself is if it was Katie who had eloped and bought a house, would he still only have given. $100? ← 16
    via u/DeepMango459
  • 16
    Future-Crazy7845 • 16h I give all of my grandchildren and step grandchildren either $200 (up from $100 due to inflation) cash or equivalent gift from registry regardless of how they got married-in a park or in a church or in a distant location, whether I'm invited or not (sometimes the bride and groom invite only parents). All young people need money. ... Reply 193
    via u/Future-Crazy7845
  • 17
    RiByrne • 15h Yeah, since when did the money given at a wedding turn into partially covering the cost of your meal from being a way to help out a new couple just starting out? I was literally taught that is what it's for my entire twenty five years, and then I get on here and everyone's saying something different. A family member of mine eloped and no one batted an eye about "not being invited" and still gave them gifts and money, it wasn't a whole lot because we're not even middle class, but we
    via u/RiByrne
  • 18
    Several_Village_4701 • 13h I'm a wedding officiant and this is also news to me. A wedding is when two people get married. I don't need a big party to make it official. I think many feel like eloping is not a "real" marriage. And it is! It's no less of a wedding than one that costs $20,000. Both end in two people being married. 16
    via u/Several_Village_4701
  • 19
    samiam221b • 16h INFO: is your sister more frugal because she has lower paying job? Could she afford a wedding like Kate? ← Reply 211
    via u/samiam221b
  • 20
    greeneyedbandit82 • 16h That's what I was wondering- is she being punished because she can't afford a 'real' wedding?? I know he said she was 'low key' but I have been to many weddings of 'low key' people so its not necessarily a reason she didn't. I am guessing they wanted to be financially responsible and put their money into a home instead of a one day celebration..... ... 151
    via u/greeneyedbandit82
  • 21
    JC-Cracker • 16h NTA - My wife and I eloped. Months later my mom asked if we were going to do an open house. We never did, nor did we expect family to give us anything. It;s just what happens when you elope vs having a traditional wedding. ... Reply 989
    via u/JC-Cracker
  • 22
    According Line9649 OP. 16h Yeah a few of my best friends eloped and this is the sentiment they shared as well. I would have loved to if my wife was on board haha. But she wanted the special day she envisioned so I wasnt going to keep that from her. Was it worth the ~20k when we were also trying to buy a house? Who's to say. 373
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 23
    cordelia1955 • 15h Enthusiast [9] I've got mixed feelings about this. Getting married and starting a household and life together is the same for everyone at the basic level. Friends not expecting gifts if one thing. but they're your sisters. I can see paying the $200.00 extra for the kids, but the difference is still pretty glaring. And a gift card to a big box store shows no thought at all. At least with cash they could have treated themselves to a nice dinner out or something they wouldn't nor
    via u/cordelia1955
  • 24
    So I guess the question is why did you choose to gift one sister a gift five times more than the other, or three times more if you take out the extra plates, even though they chose to do this? is it because the one sister had a big party and spent thousands of dollars they didn't really have to spend? Perhaps her younger sister saw what they went through and decided buying a house and being relatively debt free was more important than showing off and dealing with all the stress of planning a big
    via u/cordelia1955
  • 25
    I really think that only you can answer whether YTA. I will say I would be incredibly hurt and insulted if my brother or sister treated me so disparately and I would definitely call them AH. It would also damage my relationship. But since you're not close like brother/sister maybe that isn't important to you. ... 170
    via u/cordelia1955
  • 26
    Flaky-Ingenuity-4336 • 14h OP's goal was to pay for his family's meals and give a little extra. The meals were $400, and he gave $500, leaving sister $100 extra. The eloped sister did not have give anyone a meal. So he just gave her $100. In other words, both sisters got the same amount of "fun" money, the sister who had a wedding just didn't have to pay for the meals of her brother's family & Ŵ 64 ↓
    via u/Flaky-Ingenuity-4336
  • 27
    ilovetoreadbooks • 16h . My husband and I eloped, too. Didn't expect anything from anyone. OP is NTA as far as I'm concerned. 66
    via u/ilovetoreadbooks
  • 28
    fallingintopolkadots • 16h Craptain [159] Ehhhh. I get the concept of the gift for Katie being "bigger" because they had a formal wedding and you're "covering" for all of your plates. But, also, she's your sister..... so I'm sure part of it was wanting to give your sister a nice gift to start her new married life? Maybe? (I personally think it should be)
    via u/fallingintopolkadots
  • 29
    Jess is also starting married life; she and her now husband just opted to not have a big wedding, but they are buying a house. So was the gift more of a "housewarming" type of gift, as opposed to "I'm celebrating your new marriage" kind of gift? Did they have a registry of any kind? Only asking because I do know some people who eloped or had a micro wedding and created a registry because people -- family and friends -- still wanted to gift them something to celebrate the big step in their lives.
    via u/fallingintopolkadots
  • 30
    Not saying what you gave was wrong... but I can sort of see how Jess may have felt a bit slighted (kinda tacky to ask what you had gifted her sister... but also... sisters, so). Reply 2.3k
    via u/fallingintopolkadots
  • 31
    poochonmom • 15h Enthusiast [6] But, also, she's your sister..... so I'm sure part of it was wanting to give your sister a nice gift to start her new married life? Maybe? (I personally think it should be) I feel the same.. personally I wouldn't care how flashy the wedding was and if there was a wedding at all. When my sibling gets married, I want to gift them something to celebrate the marriage and to welcome the spouse into the family. That's very common in my culture..if I missed my close cous
    via u/poochonmom
  • 32
    So to make a siblings wedding gift so transactional is weird to me. I'd do the math of per plates and how much they spent when it comes to an acquaintance or not so close friend's event. Otherwise people I love get a gift that I can afford because I am showing them love and celebrating their milestone, not just ticking off a requirement for attending a function. 118
    via u/poochonmom
  • 33
    According Line9649 OP. 16h I was not told about any sort of registry. I know a few people who eloped and was never sent a registry for those. Personally, I think it would rub a lot of people the wrong way. For Katie, it really was I wanted to make sure we werent a burden. My kids were the only kids invited to an otherwise childfree wedding and my wife and I were very grateful and wanted to make sure their generosity wasnt "punished". 999
    via u/AccordingLine9649
  • 34
    ViewAshamed2689 • 15h YTA - everyone's emphasis on etiquette in these comments is really strange in my opinion. you aren't some distant relative. you're immediate family. and you don't give a wedding gift because they fed you at an event, you give a wedding gift to celebrate a once-in-a-lifetime milestone for someone and support them as they step into a new chapter in their lives. the same way you would for a graduation, a housewarming, or a baby. are you happy that your sister got married? do y
    via u/ViewAshamed2689
  • 35
    nobody here is mentioning that you didn't get Jess a wedding gift at all... you gave her a housewarming gift. buying a house is a completely separate milestone to celebrate. by getting one sister a gift to celebrate their marriage and not the other, you're literally saying to the other sister that you do not care about their marriage and aren't even acknowledging this step in their lives just because they didn't throw a party. a marriage is a huge milestone, elopement or not. your whole perspect
    via u/ViewAshamed2689
  • 36
    NapalmAxolotl • 17h Supreme Court Just- [101] NTA. You're correct, eloping comes with different expectations. Formal etiquette requires a nice gift when you attend a wedding, and doesn't expect any gift when you didn't attend. It's nice to give a gift if you want, but it's expected to be smaller than you would have given at a wedding - exactly as you did. Jess asked Katie about your gift specifically to start a fight. That's garbage. Stand firm, you're in the right. Don't reward Jess' attempt at
    via u/NapalmAxolotl
  • 37
    MelanisticMermaid • 15h I agree, I personally find it weird to ask what someone else got for their wedding considering in a comment OP said Jess chose to only do an elopement and no after celebration. They were gifted something that was actually useful to their new venture whilst traditionally no wedding = no wedding gift. Nta 68
    via u/MelanisticMermaid

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